Well, we talked last night. My ex and I. I told him how I felt and apologized. He did the same. I haven't got much sleep, he kept calling then saying he would call me back for about 2 hours. Each time I waited I would fall asleep, I really didn't want to wait, but I did want to get this off my chest. I did, but surprisingly, I don't feel much better. I think that's just because I'm tired right now. I'm glad I got to tell him and just make some kind of amend. I told him I was sorry for the lack of communication in the relationship we once had and how I'm sorry for closing myself off to him. I also just flat out told him how I don't trust his friends. I never really did, they were always starting fights, getting pissy about something, or driving under the influence when they were supposed to be D.D. Now I know I'm not one to judge, but I did anyway. I didn't need to tell him that because this is something he knows, I just worry because I wouldn't want to get a phone call saying that something serious happened and he's either in the hospital or dead. I would honestly be crushed if he were to die. I would be crushed because he's too young and he's my ex. I still love the guy and wish him the best and wouldn't want that to happen.

Life goes on.

I just had myself a yogurt and I'm trying to figure out one of the two.

1) Go for a run
or
2) Do a chapter for photojournalism just to get it over with right now

I know I can do both, but which first. I know I'll sit here and contemplate this for at least an hour.

I've been writing a lot lately and it does help. It keeps my thoughts flowing onto here. Like I've said before, I should just write them down, but no.

It's Friday and I'm trying to figure out what time to head over to the Queen Bean to read for the rest of the day. Should be an enjoyable experience, it just may take my mind off of how shitty I've been feeling.

I don't want to take any meds, so I need to find other ways of getting myself up when I'm feeling low or anxious.

Now to end this.
I love this mac system look for my laptop.
I love the fact that people I just recently met keep me in good conversation. Even if it's just over a message on Myspace, they keep in touch and stimulate my thinking with their words.

And
And
I'm done.
=]

Tags: apologize, ex, exercise, experience, mac, meds, read, therapy
Current Mood: accomplished

I was going to make this whole suicide thing last a week, but I decided not to because I figured it would probably worry some people.

No, I did not kill myself. I didn't even try and would never try. I did so because I wanted to get the shock factor. I wanted to see who would actually respond. Who would ask me, "What happened?" I just wanted to see. I noticed that those I do speak to, said something almost write away upon me stating that I didn't die and saying stuff about me just coming out of the hospital.

Yes, it was a fucked up thing to do, but I was testing people. I was trying to find out who are the ones to respond right away, and who are not the ones. I wanted to just pull a Tupac and pretend to fake my own death.

I apologize to those who asked me what happened. Who showed concern, I did mean to put you through that. I can't say I didn't, otherwise I would have never had done it. I do apologize though, it won't happen again.

To everyone else, seriously though. If people who don't normally talk to me, talk to me now via myspace, and actually say something because of my lame ass suicide attempt. Whatever, thanks for actually noticing me AFTER this attempt.

Anyways, I apologize for this. I have my darker side and like to let it out at the expense of others for personal pleasures.

Anyways, don't hate me. Just continue to care. Care about those you are closest to, hug them and never let go. Let them know how much you care. You never know what could happen to those care about. They could just be taken away from you in an instant.

Peace be with all of you, and all that jazz.

Alan.

Tags: apologize, attempt, explanation, suicide
Current Mood: chipper