Here I am, finally laying down and relaxing. I ate deliciousness that I prepared for dinner and I took a nice shower and trimmed my beard. This makes me feel a bit better, but not so much. I find myself anxious and growing quite irritable on the way back home from Santa Cruz.

Yesterday:
I went to the Spring Fling dance. I felt a bit out of place when I got there, mainly because there were a lot of older lesbians there and I knew almost no one. I just stood around, making nice with people. I ended up being asked to play the dating game, which I hesitated, but decided that the experience would be great! I was voted off first due to the audience not cheering me on as much as the rest of the people. Oh well, I had some guys come up and say they would have picked me. Which was very flattering. I didn't mind that I didn't get picked, I went up for the experience and I wanted to see if I could come up with any clever remarks, but sadly no. I dealt with it and moved on.

I ended up seeing this gentlemen there. I've seen his myspace before and I knew he was deaf. I saw his friend interpreting for him and I thought, "Oh wow..." So I proceeded to look, but trying not to make it noticeable. Which it was because his friend walked up and told me to go introduce myself. I went up and did so, danced a little and ended up talking to him and hanging out with him throughout the night. I danced with this one fellow who asked me to dance and when Roy (the deaf gentlemen I met) came up, I continued to talk to him. It was very enjoyable, but I felt so nervous about my signing. He was very patient with me though, which was great. We slow danced several times and tried to move away from the AC because he was really cold.

He invited me to the Brave Bull and I was unsure if I wanted to go because I didn't know if I would get in. Well, his friends ended up leaving without telling him and we were both surprised by that fact. I believe his friends noticed that him and I were entertaining each other so they didn't want to get in between? Well, we went to the Bull and I followed his car. We go in by holding hands and I didn't even get ID'd. Congrats to me! We danced a bit, chit chatted and decided to go to Denny's. We shared a burger and continued to talk. I understood almost everything he said and I learned some new signs. I revealed to him that I was going through therapy and he was fine with that. He enjoys reading and he's reading a book on Buddhism. We were both pretty tired and decided to go our separate ways. We stood outside and went to give each other a hug and WOW, he gave me a really good hug. It was longer than most goodbye hugs and it made me feel good. It's nice to get a hug that I believe genuinely meant something. Gave me a sense of good hope. We went our separate ways and texted until we finally fell asleep while texting in our beds.

I apologize for not being as in depth, but I want to get off the comp soon.

Today:
I went to Santa Cruz. Other plans didn't fall through as much. Vutyas father got really sick and I was out of a ride to Fresno. I decided to go to Santa Cruz and spend the day with my family. Something that I really did need. I enjoyed the sand in between my toes. The ocean water freezing my feet. It relaxed me feeling close to the earth like that. We walked around and I felt myself getting sorer and sorer. I didn't get much sleep last night and I've been working out, so you get the picture. Still, I stayed more quite than anything and just thought to myself about what's happening in my life.

On the drive home, I just felt myself getting really anxious. That angered me and that was just not a good mix. I wanted to get home so I could do laundry and make dinner. After some time, we finally got home and things were OK, but not so much. I took a shower and here I am now.

Things are looking good, I guess. I'm actually letting myself feel all these feelings I've been keeping inside, so soon enough I will work through them and be even better than I was before.

All in all, it was a good weekend. I made a new friend and got closer to mother earth. I thought and discussed with myself and continue to doing so. Now it is time to get some rest and await tomorrow. I have classes and then I believe I am meeting Roy for coffee (well, Tea for me. If he wants coffee, then feel free.) I look forward to my week, should be good. I feel it to be good because it will be good dammit.

Thanks.
Love.
Alan.

Tags: anger, anxiety, dance, dating, deaf, feelings, fling, people, santa cruz, spring

I'm sitting here in class, reading a book that I hope will give me some insight. I really do not feel like being here. I feel like crying and holding back the tears is getting harder and harder. The places I'm calling to get a doctor to talk to this about haven't been answering; even though, they are supposed to be open. I haven't gotten any calls back and a lot of them don't prescribe medication. I really just want to leave and go find a friend to talk to, but I don't want to miss any classes today.

This is the only class I've been missing and the teacher doesn't mind, but the rest of my classes I really do not want to miss. Piano and Human sexualities. I have to show the teacher I've learned a little bit of my piano music and we have a quiz every Monday in Human Sexualities, so I'm kind of in a bind.

Something that I new to me is waking up wanting to cry. I didn't want to get up this morning, but I did anyway because I don't want to let how I feel interrupt my life. I mean, it is interrupting it, but I can't miss class because of it. Even if I feel like crying in class, even if I feel like shit and just want to die. Even if my anxiety is giving me a headache and causing me to bounce my leg far more than I normally do, I HAVE to do this.

I know that by saying this, some could say that it isn't that bad if I am able to actually go on with my day to day, but the thing is is that my optimism keeps me from letting this keep me stuck at home. It is very hard to go out feeling this way, it really is. It is really hard when my mind is clashing with itself. 

A part of me is wanting to be alone and the other part is pulling me out here to do what I need to do. That in turn just gets me really anxious because of how badly I want to leave. I don't like being this way in public, or around anyone for that matter. I've struggled with these feelings for far too long and I really need to do something about it. 

Last night, I cried in front of my mother. I talked to her and it helped, but only a little bit. She's very worried about me, of course any mother would be worried about their son feeling this way. Then the fact that she worries about me is making me even more anxious and depressed. The depression comes because I'm so anxious and than it just builds up. I really do feel like there is a pressure in my head, possibly because of the headaches I've been getting. 

I find it difficult to concentrate on anything because of this. This sucks because I have things I have to do for class. I have big papers coming up and if I can't concentrate, then it will be just that much harder to get them done, but I know I can do it. 

My optimism is slowly becoming pessimism. That scares me. It really does. I don't want this to become something where I won't even want to get out of bed in the morning. I mean, I already don't, but actually not getting out. 

I fell asleep quickly with tears running down my face and onto my pillow.
I slept like a fucking baby...
I woke up holding back those tears I went to bed with.

I'm not myself. 
This makes me worry about everything now.
Money issues that I don't have to worry about.
Relationship issues that I don't even have to worry about because I don't have a relationship, but I like someone and I don't want them to have to deal with this especially since we don't know eachother THAT well.
School issues, there is no school issues! WTF!

General life issues! I'm alone most of the time. At school, not so much, but afterwards...
Everyone is doing their own thing, I try to find something to do, but can't. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough, perhaps I should try harder. 
I can't help but feel this overbearing lonelyness. I'm not alone, but I feel lonely. I feel anxious and depression, those two connected and draw off of eachother.

Now everything is bugging me. 
School.
Relationships.
Friends.
Home.
Myself.


For the love of god, somebody call me back. I want to see somebody so I can figure out what the fuck is wrong with me!

If there is nothing wrong, then what's wrong with me!

Tags: anxiety, depression, issues

Today, a friend of mine suffered from an anxiety attack. You know, an anxiety attack. I won't mentioned her name, but yes I mention that it is a she. I'd rather state that than referring to her as an "it." Anyways, so she called me and I was wondering why she was calling me