Here I am, finally laying down and relaxing. I ate deliciousness that I prepared for dinner and I took a nice shower and trimmed my beard. This makes me feel a bit better, but not so much. I find myself anxious and growing quite irritable on the way back home from Santa Cruz.

Yesterday:
I went to the Spring Fling dance. I felt a bit out of place when I got there, mainly because there were a lot of older lesbians there and I knew almost no one. I just stood around, making nice with people. I ended up being asked to play the dating game, which I hesitated, but decided that the experience would be great! I was voted off first due to the audience not cheering me on as much as the rest of the people. Oh well, I had some guys come up and say they would have picked me. Which was very flattering. I didn't mind that I didn't get picked, I went up for the experience and I wanted to see if I could come up with any clever remarks, but sadly no. I dealt with it and moved on.

I ended up seeing this gentlemen there. I've seen his myspace before and I knew he was deaf. I saw his friend interpreting for him and I thought, "Oh wow..." So I proceeded to look, but trying not to make it noticeable. Which it was because his friend walked up and told me to go introduce myself. I went up and did so, danced a little and ended up talking to him and hanging out with him throughout the night. I danced with this one fellow who asked me to dance and when Roy (the deaf gentlemen I met) came up, I continued to talk to him. It was very enjoyable, but I felt so nervous about my signing. He was very patient with me though, which was great. We slow danced several times and tried to move away from the AC because he was really cold.

He invited me to the Brave Bull and I was unsure if I wanted to go because I didn't know if I would get in. Well, his friends ended up leaving without telling him and we were both surprised by that fact. I believe his friends noticed that him and I were entertaining each other so they didn't want to get in between? Well, we went to the Bull and I followed his car. We go in by holding hands and I didn't even get ID'd. Congrats to me! We danced a bit, chit chatted and decided to go to Denny's. We shared a burger and continued to talk. I understood almost everything he said and I learned some new signs. I revealed to him that I was going through therapy and he was fine with that. He enjoys reading and he's reading a book on Buddhism. We were both pretty tired and decided to go our separate ways. We stood outside and went to give each other a hug and WOW, he gave me a really good hug. It was longer than most goodbye hugs and it made me feel good. It's nice to get a hug that I believe genuinely meant something. Gave me a sense of good hope. We went our separate ways and texted until we finally fell asleep while texting in our beds.

I apologize for not being as in depth, but I want to get off the comp soon.

Today:
I went to Santa Cruz. Other plans didn't fall through as much. Vutyas father got really sick and I was out of a ride to Fresno. I decided to go to Santa Cruz and spend the day with my family. Something that I really did need. I enjoyed the sand in between my toes. The ocean water freezing my feet. It relaxed me feeling close to the earth like that. We walked around and I felt myself getting sorer and sorer. I didn't get much sleep last night and I've been working out, so you get the picture. Still, I stayed more quite than anything and just thought to myself about what's happening in my life.

On the drive home, I just felt myself getting really anxious. That angered me and that was just not a good mix. I wanted to get home so I could do laundry and make dinner. After some time, we finally got home and things were OK, but not so much. I took a shower and here I am now.

Things are looking good, I guess. I'm actually letting myself feel all these feelings I've been keeping inside, so soon enough I will work through them and be even better than I was before.

All in all, it was a good weekend. I made a new friend and got closer to mother earth. I thought and discussed with myself and continue to doing so. Now it is time to get some rest and await tomorrow. I have classes and then I believe I am meeting Roy for coffee (well, Tea for me. If he wants coffee, then feel free.) I look forward to my week, should be good. I feel it to be good because it will be good dammit.

Thanks.
Love.
Alan.

Tags: anger, anxiety, dance, dating, deaf, feelings, fling, people, santa cruz, spring

I feel very disturbed by this dream I had. It wasn't very assuring and didn't make me feel very comfortable.

I was at a backyard barbeque. There was a drink making cart towards the back of the yard near a shed. I don't remember much of anything. The only thing I know was that I looked over at a friend's friend.  His name is Aaron and my friend is Javier. I looked over and noticed this man go up to Aaron and punch him in the face. He left his fist there and pushed his head backwards slowly until it rested on the back of the chair. He was putting force onto his nose and telling him in a low, but loud voice, "You are not gay. You are not a faggot. If you are a faggot, I will fucking kill you and everyone you know and love.' He pushed his nose into his skull. Aaron got up and ran off while the enraged man walked after him. Javier came up scared. He latched onto me. It isn't something he would do in real life. I could feel the fear in both of us that a man that dangerous towards us was in our presence. I believe we feared for our lives. I looked into the house and noticed the man take off his shirt and get to his knees. I heard him scream and felt as if something was seriously wrong. I backed away and went near the cart in the back.

The fear that I had was incredible. I feared for my life and couldn't believe what just happened. I'm also surprised I didn't follow to see if Aaron was okay, which he obviously wasn't. Either way, I'm surprised I was shocked with this and when I had a gun pointed at me back in high school I wasn't as scared. I think it was the possibility that it could happen because someone actually went through with their anger towards a homosexual. It is very possible.

I move on from this dream, but it will stick to the back of my mind. A truly disturbing dream, but just a dream.

Tags: aaron, anger, dream, hate, homosexual, javier, violence, voice

I know that during Christmas, I should not be thinking about something like this, but I am. I want to discuss a touchy subject. I will focus in on God. This time around, I will be using his name with a capital letter. I do not normally do that, but I will and this will be the last time.

I want to start off by simply saying that I respect all those who do believe in God. I respect those who actually believe that there is a God. I have now very little reason to believe that there really is a God. Screw the bullshit words saying that God puts us all through trials and tribulations in life and will help us through those troubling times. Then when people have gotten past those troubling times they thank God. Tell me, do you honestly believe that something that we have never seen or met actually helps us? Can we not just believe that we helped ourselves rather than believing that some holy entity assisted us? If so, then what of those people who live a life completely devoid of happiness and sorrow? What of those who live life day by day just trying to make ends meet? Trying to be happy, but they just can't? Those who get murdered? Those who live live in poverty and just can't seen to get a break? Even those who live life rich and should be happy with it, but still miserable? Those who have no sense of purpose and even turning to God means absolutely nothing to them?

There is no justification for those people having such a shitty life? Yes, some people put themselves in those positions. Some people don't. What kind of God lets people live life unhappy and completely miserable? What kind? I'll tell you, most certainly a vengeful God. Something that probably does not care as much as we think it would.

Do I have any place to just say, "Fuck God?"

People worship something and pray to something that they will probably never meet. They say we will meet Him, HA! Him? What if he is a she? But they say that we will meet he/she we die. I highly doubt that. I think we just leave our physical body and live our lives spiritually.

Either way, this post was just to say FUCK GOD.

I'm sick and tired of religious fuckers saying I'm going to hell. I'm sick and tired of people believing God will help them out and then when they still can't get a break, they continue believing they will and die while getting nowhere quickly