I went up to Yosemite with a friend of mine. Of course, we completely missed the exit and ended up out in the middle of nowhere. It was a wonderful drive. Along the way, I thought about how my friends mother passed. I thought about life and how quickly it can end. This photograph represents the road of life. It is a path filled with beauty. The drive was wonderful, like I said, and quite relaxing. I got a lot of sun and may have gotten two tiny sunburns.

The road of life is unknown when it takes a turn up ahead, but it's the unknown that makes life exciting. We had no idea where we were going, but we were enjoying the journey far too much to stop ourselves just yet. We stopped and looked at our surroundings and took in the beauty of mother nature. The road of life is amazing and I'm glad to have my family, friends and other loved ones in it and sharing this amazing journey.

Today my friends mother passed away. She's not much younger than my own mother, this was a shock. My thoughts go out to him and his family. The news made me think heavily. We take too much for granted in this life, we need to live it. I remember him telling me about how his mother had all these different issues with her life, but never let it bog her down. She still enjoyed her life and lived it till the end.

This will be continued with something a little more inspirational, something about living life to the fullest because you never know when it will be taken from you.

Here are some lyrics to a song by Racheal Yamagata called Little Life. It's sad, yet inspirational at the same time.

When all of this
Makes the news
Will they remember to tell it right
Or will devils make off in the night
Can you tell me why
I got so high as.... ??

As she lays in bed
In her piece of ground
Will they remember how
Blessed soul
Or just that she lost all control
Can you tell me why she had to die alone

And people wake up
People get movin
Theres a life waitin here
Get up
People start doin
Theres a life waitin here

When all our time
Spent away
We remember the loves of our past
Or just that love never lasts
Can you tell me why
This little life goes so fast

I was giving away some of my fat clothes and I stumbled upon a vest I bought in High School. I put it on and it's larger than I remember. But then again, I was larger and it didn't fit me very well in High School. I remember actually wearing it to school with a pair of pleather pants given to me by an exs friend. I knew nothing of the leather or bear community, yet it felt right to wear that outfit. I decided that this would be another perfect addition to this journey in 365 days. Besides, this photo expresses a part of me I don't normally show and that makes me feel sexy.

The little white pair of shoes are shoes from when I was 2 years old (at least that's what my mother said) and the black ones are my current pair.

My mother was cleaning up around the house when she found my old white shoes from when I was a toddler. I could see the look in her eyes because memories of the early days flooded her head. She asked me if I wanted to keep them and of course, I want to keep them. It serves as a lovely memory of a time when everything was much simpler. These shoes comforted me in some way. Perhaps it was because it made me think about how easy it was to be a child, without a worry or care in the world. Would I go back? Probably not.

I thought this would be a perfect beginning to these next 365 days.

Thought I would give this a shot. I copied mahernandez iPhone 365 days thing because it sounds like fun. Plus, I had fun drawing this as a start.

I'm happy. Happier than I have been in a while. Not the kind of happy that is just happy for life, but happy in another way. That dating kind of happy. You know, the kind of happy that gives you butterflies in your stomach. That kind of happy.
I'll be the first to admit that I'm really glad that something is coming out of this. Reason why is, well, it's just something that is. It's a good thing.

We're all a little lonely sometimes, it's a natural feeling, and it's nice to think of this person and know that the next time you see them, that loneliness won't even matter.

I'm writing this because I have difficulty admitting that I feel very good about this. The reason is the same reason anyone else who's ever dealt with heartache before.

I'm not ashamed of how I feel, nor should I be fearful of saying how I feel. I'd rather say something then not and regret it.

Do with it what you wish, but I know that I want to see where this goes.

I've been moved before, but this has got to be the most amazing thing I have heard to date. It brought me to tears and I'm still in shock by how great this was. Bravo!

Two different worlds, one is black and the other white.
Though the comforts of each other reveal much.
Our words grow silent in this empty room.
"You said I was your everything. You said I was the one."
Where did those words go at a time when I needed you the most?
Away you went, without a single word.
A goodbye is better than nothing.

The photographs of you and I.
"Just sit back and watch it burn."
You're not here to see me finish what you left behind.
Each picture burns away slowly, engulfed by a flame that burns as strong as our love did.
On the floor, buried in my box of memories I pick out every love letter, every "I'm sorry" letter, every single one of them and set them aside. Ripped and thrown away and my tears leave with those letters.

There isn't anything more to say, everything has been said and done with no chance nor want of rekindling what was never wanted.
This was a much needed moment in time to finally realize that sometimes memories don't need physical objects to mean anything. Especially when those meanings are ones to forget.

Friends and family ask if I'm over it, I suppose I can never be completely over it especially when it had such a profound influence in my life. No one ever has to be over something, but to move on is an even greater task and that task has been checked off and another book has been picked up. New chapters are emerging, one twist to another twist and life has become a much better place without what we had.



Alright, so I never said that I was any good at writing because a majority of the time I can't quite get my thoughts together so I write everything - good and bad. Sometimes what I have to say makes absolutely no sense, but it makes me feel better to just let out the words that may not even reveal how I really feel. I write publicly because writing in a journal gets boring to me and I never want to write for long so I stick to here.

I don't know what else I can do, but I did it. Threw away what needed to be thrown away. I also took the liberty of taping up my box of memories and putting it in another room. I no longer want to sleep on top of all those memories. There is very little bad ones in the box, but sleeping on them means I can not let go of the past. By putting them in another room and closing it off, I am able to move from my past to the future.

Which is why I took the liberty of starting a new box, a much smaller box and placing it in the same place my old box was at. It has only one thing in there, but it is a good thing. Something that is simple, but sweet and a thing I hope will only give me reassurance for what is to come in the future. Or some crazy kid who pines for something more, either way!

I enjoy writing, but can't seem to figure out why I can sit here and have nothing come out. Which is why I write random things that has people telling me to go see a therapist (I know I should to combat my depression/anxiety, but it's all good). I have people worrying and there is nothing to worry about with me. Most of what I write on here isn't really a cry for help or attention. It is a simple cry out of some of the things that go through my mind. Other than that, I'm a happy go-lucky man with a zest for life!

I used to be completely terrified that by being so honest with myself that it would scare people away, but now that big fear has turned into a much smaller one. Some people fear honesty and I admit that I do from time to time, but that's life. I'd rather have someone be completely honest with me than lie or hide things from me. I have no secrets (at least, not that I know of) and I am an open book with chapters ready to read.

Anyway, now that I've unleashed some of my thoughts I feel better. My advice to anyone is to be glad that I'm honest with myself and everyone else because these days people are so corrupt and dishonest that it's very hard to find anyone to trust.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm 21 and I have learned a lot already and have much more to learn. My experiences have taught me to be who I am today and you know what...I love myself and so should you.

My letter to you will be concealed because the truth is far harder to hear than the lie I've been living with you. I can no longer ignore these feelings and I don't know if I can take it much longer. You are nothing to me and I don't know why I ever wasted that much time on you. I should have known from the start that it would be destined to failure but I suppose I wanted it enough to continue with this lie of a relationship. Who were you to deny me the right to sleep around with other women? Who were you to search through my belongings to find all my toys, pictures and other various knick-knacks that I use to pleasure everyone other than yourself. You had no bloody right to do so woman!

I have longed to tell you the words that even your own daughter had the nerve to say. I've hated you for so long and it is such a relief to just get it out into the open. You are a cruel, sadistically sweet person with a gorgeous body and a brain that would make Einstein piss himself with excitement. But sadly, I cannot stand you. You are absolutely perfect and everything we've built up must fall at some point, so why not let it fall now?

Oh darling, please stop crying it won't do you any good. I have decided this completely on my own without your help, just like you have always allowed me to do because you trust me so very much. Perhaps that trust was misleading or maybe it was the drugs. You will love again, oh wait - who am I kidding? You will never love anyone more than you love me because you are that sad and pathetic. You have built yourself up only to tear yourself down and because of it you are completely worthless to any other man but myself. Hate is such a strong word, but that is not how I feel. I still love you very much, but that love simply was never strong enough to keep me attached to you. Sure, the first day we met I was with only you but when you saw me with your mother you should have known that this would happen again. Then with your father too, yet you stayed. You weren't too pleased with your grandmother, but here you are crying in front of me still.

Please put down that knife, I know I am completely worth ending your life for but I simply cannot have blood on this carpet that you paid for. If I am to ever lead others into this home and kick you out, I cannot have these carpets stained by someone whose blood isn't worth staining this.

Pathethic, simply pathetic. You are a vision of perfection who looks terrible. Why are you crying?

"Because you screwed me over! You aren't even making any sense! Who the hell do you think you are doing this to me? You are pathetic yourself for thinking I would stick around for this shit. I'm perfect and because of this you believe it is your own right to mistreat me because of it! No longer will I take this abuse from you."

But, but darling please...listen to me. I cannot live without you in my life. I need this abuse to sustain myself.

"No"

Then I suppose we will continue lying to everyone and live in this relationship of life, trust, and complete monogamy.

"Lies"

Of course, those are the best kinds of truth.

I think it's time to put myself away
Seek out a little silence
Close the doors and sit a while
Walk a little

And as I put my words away
The flow slows
See this pen in a stream
Picking it up is easy.

Follow the shape of it.
Jump in.
Swallow it whole.
Jump in.

Even though I know my around
Possibly there's something that I found
Holding on for finding solid ground
Someday soon.
Someday soon.

I'll turn myself into the grass
And I'll grow
Take this space above my head
And live a little, little.

Gonna wear my feathered headress
Like an indian chief.
Gonna stretch out both my arms
I'm gonna test the temperature.

Follow the taste of it.
Jump in.
Swallow it whole.
Jump in.

Even though I know my around (even though)
Possibly there's something that I found (possibly I, possibly I)
Holding on for finding solid ground (ohh..)
Even though I know my around (even though)
Possibly there's something newI found (possibly I, possibly I)
Holding on for finding solid ground (ohh..)
Someday soon.
Someday soon.

Maybe walk a little
Someday soon.

There's a lot to write about, but I can't seem to find the words to just write out. I'm up and I'm down, I'm from the left to the right and spiraling on both ends.

Look at you, look at you
What you've become
Such a shame, what a shame
Momma and poppa, no one really cares
Play it cool, no one knows
Keep it down, low enough so no one can see
It's yours, all yours. Take it or leave it, your fate is set.

Cheap tramp, that's all you'll ever be.
Trick status, it's set for life.
Booty call, the speed dial is set.
Aren't you pleasant? Aren't you sweet?
Such a lady, oh, such a ladyboy.
Pulling tricks, shakin' ass and makin' dough like pizza parlor.

Late night, laugh it off, smoke that dope and turn that crank.
Turn it, turn it, turn that crank and perform the trick
One after the other, more and more you want some more
Just can't take it.
Boy. You're not finished, this is only the beginning.

Cheap tramp, that's all you'll ever be.
Trick status, it's set for life.
Booty call, the speed dial is set.
Aren't you pleasant? Aren't you sweet?
Such a lady, oh, such a ladyboy.
Pulling tricks, shakin' ass and makin' dough like pizza parlor.

Wanna change your life, just take your life?
Pick up the gun, lets start the fun, there's no other end in sight.
The moneys too good, grab a hold of that gun and let it fire.
A mess, a mess, a filthy, dirty mess. Damn lady boy, you're such a mess.
Clean up crew pass on by, onto the next one with a Mrs.


Cheap tramp, that's all you'll ever be.
Trick status, it's set for life.
Booty call, the speed dial is set.
Aren't you pleasant? Aren't you sweet?
Such a lady, oh, such a ladyboy.
Pulling tricks, shakin' ass and makin' dough like pizza parlor.

Boy. You're not finished, this is only the beginning.
Boy. You're not finished, this is only the beginning.
Boy. You're not finished, this is only the beginning.

Oh love what have I done to you, where do we go from here?

I can no longer go alone, but if I must then that I will do.

Till another day.

Every moment we share together. We fight to get them back, but this fight is useless when both of us stand wounded by each others blows.
We have since given up. We are in love, at least we were.
What a wonderful feeling that must have been? Of course, I question that because I no longer know if that is what I truly.

Look, all I'm asking for is a chance. Set aside our pasts, any difference that we could possibly have to move on to something that could be beautiful. There is no language barrier between us, there is no age, there is no time, no space, there is only us that stands in between.

How can I ever forgive you for this? I can't believe you need me now.
I once needed you, it hurt so much to love you it made me cry.
You are, the man who was made from the stars. Breathed to the heavens to shine your light on the darkness my life used to be.

I waited my entire life and there you go, away again. Lost to the abyss that is your self; a mental instability that you could no longer escape.

I have been bruised and ignored by others; I found you and know, I just know you never were made for me. The sky told me one day as I gazed above in a state of mind that would make jealous a person of great imagination.

Subtlety was never one of my strong suits, you see, I try very hard to be someone I am and when that doesn't work, I lose all sense of myself.

I walked back to the place where we first met and saw a rainbow similar to that we saw together.I looked back down to the earth and there you were, so happy but not with me.

Where did we go wrong? I scream, drenched in my own blood. Oh what have I done. My love where have you gone to where I can no longer reach you. A better place, back to the stars where you are meant to be.

Delusions, these are mine to ever think we could ever work. What others speak must be true if this path we took lead to a dead end.

You once said, you're love was rare and I laughed. You got mad and I continued to laugh. You started laughing as well. It was at that moment, I found the rarest treasure of all. As I turned towards you, I could only gaze into the beauty that is your eyes. Those innocent eyes with devious tendencies. The very pearls of beauty that I could get lost in and I wouldn't mind. Why would I mind being lost, just as long as I'm with you each and every single day.

I know I'm going to have to eventually give you away though and there your eyes went. Did I shed a tear? I wished I could if only I hadn't known what would come of this. 

See that shining beacon of light? It shines for you.
Can you feel the rhythm? That's my heart.
Can you feel the beat fade away like you did into the night?

I saw that you couldn't care less about what you do or about the lies.
Our love was forgotten and our fate was no longer tied like we once hoped.

Into the distance, away we go.

I can no longer say I care to remember. There is far too much running through this head of mine. This head is overbearing and overwhelming. Suddenly, there is a pop and a snap. A stitch in time that can no longer bear the burden of this.

Looking up to the sky and where will I be?
Back to the stars, back to the start. With you or without.

Bear with me sir, this young gentlemen has his baggage but not one he hasn't carefully pack. What you see is what you get and this baggage is packed with a variety of the worlds best items.
Would you like a sample? Take one, no please take two.

The phone rings.
And it's you. As I lay in bed, I smile and say hello. You are worried about me, I'm fine. Just a little tired from my day. You say it's morning. Well then, my night.

In your voice, your voice of an angel. I find peace from my weary night. The light shines through the curtains and I know I can make it through the day.

Close my eyes.
Open my eyes.

My phone is sitting, silent.

It's true that you're gone.
Into the stars where you first began.

I turn to my side and there you are, a gentle kiss and my mind is settled. Into your arms I am alright and once again, gone.

Into the stars.

I wrote a response to a friend of mines journal entry here and it made me think. All in all, I enjoyed reading what he had to say and how it made me think about other sides within the gay community responding to how PRIDE celebrations are...well, celebrated. I responded to this:

I think that one situation that leads to stereotyping of the Gays and Lesbians in America is Pride. You see all kinds of outlandish things happening at Pride; naked people, erotic shows, public sexual acts, you name it. But that doesn't represent every gay or lesbian person in this country. Some of us are hardworking, "normal" people. All the outlandish things that happen at any given pride celebration gets plastered on every news outlet in the country. You never see the charity work, the counseling work, the good things that come out of these Pride celebrations. Sometimes I think that it's because of these negative showings that we haven't gotten equal rights yet. I think these Pride celebrations alienate our straight counterparts. I mean, how can you take a naked, publicly humiliating, group of people that are having sex on a wooden saw horse in the middle of the convention center and give them equal protection as every other hardworking person in this country? (although the bottom in that last scenario has got to be a pretty hardworking individual, splinters!)... I think this is the reaction that the negative Pride stories have gotten us. If we went to these celebrations with all of our clothes on, kept all of our clothes on, and behaved rationably... we might be a lot closer to equal rights. Maybe I'm just jealous because I'm not skinny enough to run around naked comfortably, or maybe I'm rational. I'm not saying that we shouldn't have our Pride celebrations, but we should just behave at them.

With this:

I can agree that there is a possibility that because of some the happenings during PRIDE, that could be reason for why equal rights haven't progressed as much as we would like.

But I am going to have to disagree about being more tame. The PRIDE festivals are a celebration of a representation of different unique individuals that happen to share an aspect of themselves that we can all relate to in some way and that is SEXUALITY. I have come to find that if I don't go to PRIDE and don't see drunken behaviors and public sex acts, then that just isn't having a good time. It's a chance to be free of all the constants that others or we ourselves have placed on the community as a whole.

Granted there are others who disagree, which is fine, but I happen to enjoy PRIDE for all the stories that come from it.

The celebration of sexuality is amazing because since it can be a taboo subject, why not just do it when you have the chance?

If equal rights are the case here and how PRIDE is celebrated is part of the reason why equal rights haven't been obtained, what about other communities? There are a lot of aspects among other communities that happen to practice different things than a majority of us in America. Should we have them tame their own practices of celebration even though they have equal rights?
I can't think of any examples at the moment about other practices of celebration, but I know you can understand what I mean by this.

Yes, there is charity work, counseling things that come out of these celebrations...but the main reason for PRIDE is really just a giant party! Who wants to go to a party where everyone keeps their clothes on, doesn't have sex in public, and behaves rationally? Well...maybe SOME parties should be that way, but not PRIDE.

I love it. Sexuality is an essence within all of us and to celebrate that with others who are there for the same reason is an amazing feeling.

Thanks for writing this, made me think n' such. Sorry if some of it didn't make sense! =)

I made you think you don't understand.

I used to think that happiness could only be something
That happened to somebody else
Everybody believed, everybody but me, yeah yeah
And I've been hurt so many times before,
That my hope was dying, so sick of trying
Everybody could see, everybody but me, yeah yeah
But then you came into my life, you opened up my softer side
And now I can see into your eyes
And suddenly, I realize.

I made you think you don't understand.
All the times you didn't understand,
Why you couldn't just be my man.
I made you think you don't understand.
There were many walls you had to climb,
If you really wanted to be mine.
I made you think you don't understand.
After all the hoops I put you through,
Now I see that I'm in love with you

Now, I hope you finally understand.

So many tears I had to cry,
But you had many more of your own you had to dry
But you stuck it out and you're here with me now, yeah yeah
And rememberin' the days I pushed away your love,
You called my bluff and you still stayed around,
Yeah you figured me out
Said, you got me down
And there's no way to lie to you, you know me better than I do

Baby, ooh, you see me through,
I'd be no good without you.

I made you think you don't understand.
All the times you didn't understand,
Why you couldn't just be my man
I made you think you don't understand.
There were many walls you had to climb (yeah)
If you really wanted to be mine (ooh)
I made you think you don't understand.
After all the whoops I put you through (through)
Now I see that I'm in love with you

Now, I hope you finally understand

Yeah,Ohh.

Baby, won't you listen now
Can't you see just what I'm talking about?
Said baby won't you listen now
Can't you see just what I'm talking about?

Time went on, and I was wrong
To keep my distance for so long.
So afraid, you wouldn't stay
But you never turned away

Always right by my side
You're for ever in my life
Don't you go
'Cause now I know
That in you I found a home.

Now I can see into your eyes
Suddenly, I realize.

I made you think you don't understand.
All the times you didn't understand
Why you couldn't just be my man
I made you think you don't understand.
There were many walls you had to climb,
If you really wanted to be mine
I made you think you don't understand.
After all the hoops I put you through
Now I see that I'm in love with you.

I made you think you don't understand.

My love, where have you gone? It has been so long since you've moved on. I no not what I should do; moving on is much too hard without you by my side. I need a sign that you are mine and not the choice of another. I lie awake deep into the night and pray my heart away. Hopes and dreams are just that and no longer true when you closed your eyes. In this room where we both lay, there the empty space longs with my arm resting on the pillow that your smell still lingers so. The day shall wait until I fade and move on to be with you, where I belong.